Crazy Pants is at it again.

I’m sooo nervous today. Maybe not nervous—but full of angst. My work-family is having a house-warming luncheon for me today and the opening of gifts (in front of a group) will be involved. Eeek!

I should probably start from the beginning:
When I was in elementary school, probably seven or eight years old, although I can’t remember exactly, my brother and I stopped at a Dollar General (-esque) store on our way home from school one day to buy Mothers’ Day gifts. Money—especially your own—is hard to come by at that age, and my brother and I had only change to spend. I proudly bought one of those toilet bowl fresheners—you know, the ones that smell like moth balls. I remember telling the cashier that it was for my mom, and several of the customers behind me in line chuckled, embarrassing me and killing the pride and joy I’d had for saving and spending my own money. My mom, true to form, was especially thankful for the gift—over-the-top grateful. And this, I believe, is the very moment in which my issue began.

I’m not what one might consider a self-conscious individual. In fact, I’ve never been. In high school, when all the other girls were dealing with body-image issues, I was simply apathetic. Apathetic towards clothing, hair, body, everything. As I got older, those things became slightly more important, but even today, though I like to look nice, I rarely spend much time or money to make it happen. I’m just natural comfortable with myself.

The sole exception to this level of comfort creeps up on me a few times a year—the big gift giving/getting occasions: Christmas, birthdays, etc. I’m not sure if it’s the thought of living up to my Mom’s grateful disposition or nothing more than my analytical nature playing mind games, but here’s a snapshot of my thoughts when I’m opening gifts:

• What should I open first? Card? Bag? Wrapped? Small? Large? Closest to me?
• Who is this from? I need to properly acknowledge him/her.
• Where’s the card? Oh no, I need to find the card, otherwise I’m going to look materialistic!
• Read the card aloud or to myself? The entire thing or just the handwritten? Pass it along or no?
• [Money/gift cards] Oh no!!! Should I determine how much is on/in it to fully acknowledge the gift or simply tuck it back in the card?
• [Wrapped gifts] Should I rip into this to fully convey my excitement or slowly and deliberately open to acknowledge the giver’s wrapping efforts?
• [Bagged gifts] Hmmm...more tissue paper in the bag. I wonder if there’s anything else. Should I ask or keep digging? I don’t want to look like I expect more, but I don’t want to miss anything, either.
• Smile...say something nice about the gift and how you’re going to use it...smile some more.
• Did I convey my appreciation adequately to the giver?
• Exhale
• What should I open next? Card? Bag? Wrapped? Small? Large? Closest to me?             

[Repeat]

Seems crazy, right? But yes—these are the inner workings of my mind. I don’t worry if I’m given one gift at a time (from one individual or a family) nearly as much, but when there is an actual group present and watching, I just want to throw the gifts in my trunk and take them home to open up. And I’d happily do that and send out thank you cards if I could get away with it.
While discussing this particular anxiety with a co-worker, he shared that he too hates the gift opening ritual. He said that two of the birthday parties he’s taken his kids to recently have done just what I mentioned above: loaded the gifts in the trunk and taken them home to open. Although the giver doesn’t get to see the joy on the recipient’s face, you also don’t have to worry about your kid going, “Is that all?” or “But I already got this!” I think this is more for the parents than the kids and I can’t say I dislike the idea. Every birthday is a major birthday for Kiera, and I can remember her guests spending more than an hour (literally) watching her open gifts at several of her birthday parties. It gets rather boring and time consuming.

But back to me (center of attention, what?)...
I’m so grateful that my coworkers are kind and considerate enough to do this for me, especially since I can’t even “show” the house to them. I’ve said before that I work with an amazing group of people, and this is just another example of their awesomeness. There are sooo many things I need to get for the house, and today’s luncheon is going to be very helpful in working towards that. So I’m just going to smile and prepare a little something to say and know that they aren’t putting near as much thought into the whole thing as I am...

I am not on trial...
They are not analyzing my every decision...
They just want to see me happy.
They just want to see me happy.

Let the fun commence....

Okay, maybe a little premature (come on, 5pm), but today is my Friday!
Three day work week + road trip with Stephanie to Nashville = Winning!

Why Nashville, you might ask.
The Script:
In concert,
Again.

You may remember my mentioning them before. And no, I'm not some obsessed The Script fan (I feel like that should read "And no, I'm not some obsessed Script fan", egh)! When Kiera and I went to Chicago to see them, Stephanie couldn't make the trip because it was mid-week. So when they announced their fall US tour and I saw they were coming to Nashville, I thought--what the heck? They put on one heluva good show and who couldn't use a road trip with a life-long friend?

And, despite my dozen (or so) trips to Nashville, I have never had the opportunity to experience its nightlife. When I mentioned this to Stephanie, I was surprised to find that she hasn't either.

Must. Rectify. Immediately.
I don't even know where to begin, so I enlisted the help of my friend Michelle who lives in Nashville. At the risk of coming off as pretentious, Michelle is Conway Twitty's granddaughter. It doesn't get more Nashville-in-the-know than that! I'm sure she'll point us in the right direction.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.

Vanderbilt is located just outside of Nashville, so, as luck would have it, I will be able to spend a little time with Jana while I'm there. She's still in the process of her transplant and is as well as can be expected, but that qualifying "as can be expected" is a problem. :/ I definitely need to get some face time in with her.

For now...back to the work grind. And watching the clock move ever-so-slowly towards the 5:00 mark.

A watched pot never boils.

Yes, I know.

Where shall I begin?

I have been so neglectful of my blog in lieu of taking care of real life-life.
I've got lots to touch on, and today seems like the perfect day to begin with that which has brought me so much joy over the past three weeks: our new home.

We got everything moved in one weekend--which is an amazing feat, considering the timing of everything. I'd wanted to get in the house, cleaned, painted and all repairs completed before moving our things in. And we could have done that, but it would have meant moving on my birthday (and the weekend Leslie was in town). I opted, instead, to embrace that things weren't going to be ideal. Like most things in life, moving in was going to be a bit of a compromise. Saturday, with the help of my family, we finished packing and moved everything. This meant both residences needed a major cleaning overhaul. Sunday was my mom's birthday celebration, and I opted to spend it celebrating with her rather than cleaning and unpacking. Of course, all I could think about was the mound of chores I was putting off, but again--compromise.

That week is a bit of a blur altogether. My mom and Ms. Amy were nice enough to come clean the new home from top to bottom (very important to me before inhabiting a new place). I got the water and gas turned on (this took a little time and a plumber since I had a gas leak--but I was reminded of how lucky I am to have a boyfriend who knows sooo many people and is owed soooo many favors!). Timmy came out and helped me pick out some colors to paint the trim and shutters (still haven't gotten that done, thanks to the tricky weather, but soon). Got a fridge, met our neighbors. Things are coming together.

Leslie came in town on Friday, and we finished the spare bedroom, complete with bed (ahhh). No bunking up with Kiera to give Leslie a place to sleep. Clean old apartment? Check. Mom and her boyfriend cut/weeded/edged my lawn (still no lawn equipment), and we were faced with the actuality of the size of the backyard. And the hill it sits on. I'm going to need a riding lawnmower or that yard boy I keep mentioning. Mom has also washed a mound of laundry for us...thrice, actually. Our washer quit on us the week before we moved and it's a stacked unit, so we have to buy a new washer and dryer.

Fixed the hot water tank, the AC unit, the garbage disposal. The kitchen sink, garage door opener and light in Kiera's bedroom. Tommy's had a perpetual honey-do list and I'm sooo fortunately to have such a handy man! The list continues (already know what we're going to work on next weekend), but it's nothing so dire that I'm going to stress over it.

Despite the chaos, bad timing, series of unfortunate events, I'm happy. Legitimately happy. When I wake in the morning, I look around my room, around my bathroom with a sense of pride. I still love the house and neighborhood. In fact, there isn't one aspect I've come to dislike so far, and certainly nothing I've grown to hate. Our garage is still full of boxes and I've got lots of things to buy (and not nearly enough money with which to accomplish this), but none of that diminishes the happiness of owning this home.

Kiera's room, though smaller than the one at the apartment, in my opinion, suits her fine. She really likes the house and I've enjoyed her making sure it's straightened up before her friends come for the first time (let's see how long that lasts). Her bathroom (my least favorite part of the house) in due for a major overhaul (okay: tile floor, fresh paint, new fixtures--not a complete overhaul) at some point in September. Kiera says it isn't bad to her, but I hate it. Must be updated asap!

I still don't have pics to post because I want to get the outside painted and a little landscaping done first, but I hopefully I will have some to post by month's end. I'm a big fan of making a good first impression.
In a nut shell, the post-home buying process has been a breeze compared to the chaos of getting the home. I could definitely use a little more time and money, but I have no regrets so far and Kiera and I are enjoying every aspect of the new place. More to come...

I feel sick at my stomach, anxiety is sky high...

I wanted to be in bed at ten, but my nerves are on edge and I can't even make myself lie down, let alone fall asleep. For the first time in a long time, I'll pray as I close my eyes tonight. I'm not what one might consider a devout Christian--at least not in terms of traditions or rituals. There was a time when I was a good little church-three-times-per-week, memorize-my-bible-versus, sing-solos-for-the-congregation Southern Baptist. That time has long passed. While I still believe there is a God, I find it hard to believe (s)he is as intolerant as most religions make him (or her) out to be. After all, (s)he is merciful above all, right? So I've come to this place where I believe without committing or adhering to one specific ritual when it comes to my spiritual life. I hope that when the time comes, God will understand why I didn't think the smallest (and seemingly pointless) of those intricacies mattered. I try to live a good life--one that I'm proud of--and hope that will be enough.

I also think we pray too often. Maybe I'm wrong in this, but it seems like people pray for things (both small and large, materialistic and not) all the time. Do you ever wonder if God gets tired of people asking for more and more? Rarely happy with what they have? Defending "God's will," all the while trying to bend it to their own desired outcome? I would. This is why I rarely pray. But tonight, I will pray on Jana's behalf. Not that it, too, isn't self-centered in nature. After all, I would be devastated if she didn't make it through tomorrow's stem-sell transplant, but it isn't because Jana does anything for me, specifically. Jana is just a naturally wonderful person, and I honestly believe that the world--at large--is a better place because of her presence. That may seem a little melodramatic to some (and I probably would have thought so too prior to meeting her), but only a year into knowing her and she has genuinely made me become a better person. She is inspiring; her energy contagious.

Sadly, Jana's health is very poor right now. She arrived at Vanderbilt with her MM raging...the previous rounds of chemo in August hadn't fully killed it, and (for the last two days) she's been subjected to the most rigorous of chemo sessions. She had to shave her head (and was so jovial and light-hearted about it that it just made me want to bear hug her), and she's become so sick that her husband is having to convey messages on her behalf (just like those two to try and ease the minds of others (through daily blogs) while enduring so much). Her cheering section will be wearing maroon tomorrow in support of her...and I just hope--to God--that she she will make it through tomorrow's stem cell transplant. I know it's riskier than the first, but she is also healthier this time than she was 18 months ago, when the first transplant took place. Let us pray that she not only makes it through the procedure okay but that it does its intended purpose.

I tell you, I'd call that 800 number I posted a few weeks ago if I thought with even an ounce of my heart that it would work. For those of you that do pray, please say a short one for Jana and her family before you go to bed. She's got a lot more good to introduce to the world before her time is up, and if God grants prayers based on merit, she is in safe hands.

Love,
Bonnie

~Geesh~

By the time I find the time to update, all the news will be old news.
Here's a quick breakdown:

• Jana heads to Vanderbilt tomorrow to start intensive chemo for her (2nd) stem-cell transplant (next Tuesday); please pray for her.
• Leslie went back home today (pouty)
• We are officially in the new house and have done a final walk thru with the old on (exhales). I love my home. I just put the garbage on the curb for the first time (in my life?) this morning.
• My mom is the best *ever*. She's been a great help with the above.
• Crazy August (bday month) is over. Thankfully. All went well.
• Kiera's going to be an Aunt!
• English Lit geek in me is uber-excited; I got tickets this morning to see David Sedaris at the GPAC in Nov. Fellow lit geek/rocking-ass Memphian-turned-Mississippian, Van, will be joining me (does happy dance).
• Kiddo and I are sick. You know--sinus draining, allergies crazy kinda sick. I just want to sleep.
• 8WC over weeks ago. I lost. Steve lost 30.5 total lbs. Waitasec...have I already covered this?

Sooo much more to say, so little desire. More soon.
B.