I wanted to be in bed at ten, but my nerves are on edge and I can't even make myself lie down, let alone fall asleep. For the first time in a long time, I'll pray as I close my eyes tonight. I'm not what one might consider a devout Christian--at least not in terms of traditions or rituals. There was a time when I was a good little church-three-times-per-week, memorize-my-bible-versus, sing-solos-for-the-congregation Southern Baptist. That time has long passed. While I still believe there is a God, I find it hard to believe (s)he is as intolerant as most religions make him (or her) out to be. After all, (s)he is merciful above all, right? So I've come to this place where I believe without committing or adhering to one specific ritual when it comes to my spiritual life. I hope that when the time comes, God will understand why I didn't think the smallest (and seemingly pointless) of those intricacies mattered. I try to live a good life--one that I'm proud of--and hope that will be enough.
I also think we pray too often. Maybe I'm wrong in this, but it seems like people pray for things (both small and large, materialistic and not) all the time. Do you ever wonder if God gets tired of people asking for more and more? Rarely happy with what they have? Defending "God's will," all the while trying to bend it to their own desired outcome? I would. This is why I rarely pray. But tonight, I will pray on Jana's behalf. Not that it, too, isn't self-centered in nature. After all, I would be devastated if she didn't make it through tomorrow's stem-sell transplant, but it isn't because Jana does anything for me, specifically. Jana is just a naturally wonderful person, and I honestly believe that the world--at large--is a better place because of her presence. That may seem a little melodramatic to some (and I probably would have thought so too prior to meeting her), but only a year into knowing her and she has genuinely made me become a better person. She is inspiring; her energy contagious.
Sadly, Jana's health is very poor right now. She arrived at Vanderbilt with her MM raging...the previous rounds of chemo in August hadn't fully killed it, and (for the last two days) she's been subjected to the most rigorous of chemo sessions. She had to shave her head (and was so jovial and light-hearted about it that it just made me want to bear hug her), and she's become so sick that her husband is having to convey messages on her behalf (just like those two to try and ease the minds of others (through daily blogs) while enduring so much). Her cheering section will be wearing maroon tomorrow in support of her...and I just hope--to God--that she she will make it through tomorrow's stem cell transplant. I know it's riskier than the first, but she is also healthier this time than she was 18 months ago, when the first transplant took place. Let us pray that she not only makes it through the procedure okay but that it does its intended purpose.
I tell you, I'd call that 800 number I posted a few weeks ago if I thought with even an ounce of my heart that it would work. For those of you that do pray, please say a short one for Jana and her family before you go to bed. She's got a lot more good to introduce to the world before her time is up, and if God grants prayers based on merit, she is in safe hands.
Love,
Bonnie
